|Monday, June 9th, 2003|
2:41 pm - Out on bail...
Yeah, so I haven't written in a while. I left my house for a bit, and got arrested and tossed in jail. Super. So now I have to go to my arraignment on Wednesday. I'm not too happy, I have to wear a tie and dress up (yuck). But hopefully my case will just be dropped.
So I guess that's all I have to say.
I miss all my friends.
current mood: bored
|Tuesday, May 27th, 2003|
5:41 am - I will bring you down...
I don't regret.|
Because I initially never cared? ...
In some cases, yes.
In most, no, it's just because it's pointless to feel bad about feeling bad. It's a lose-lose situation, and it's also a situation that I don't care to be part of.
That's what makes me who I am.
I guess that's just what I believe.
If you like it, okay, if you don't, even better. It will give you something to cry about, but I no longer am gonna sit through, participate, or keep fueling your whinning. And if I start it, you have to realize that I don't care, so why should you...
This is to no one in particular, so don't think I'm targeting you with my little speech.
"You're so understanding but so far from the truth..."
I could have said that to myself a million times before, but I really don't wanna look back at times I was wrong. So what? I was. Now I've grown, or I haven't. So I'll make the same mistake again, it didn't kill me the first time, and I'll take my chances with it now.
How can you say that your heart feels these ways,
When you can't give me one reason I should feel the same?
I think we both know, were this is gonna go,
Around in a circle I gotta stop it right here.
I don't feel the same, so drop it,
This is such a pain, get off it,
You're making yourself feel worse,
For nothing but words you rehearsed,
Drop the act,
You're not gonna accomplish those things that you thought.
I won't feel bad,
For standing in a they way of your plans,
I'm only standing where I plan to be in life.
No grief from you could make me feel remorse,
For feeling what I do, but, you of course,
You thought I should feel these ways that I don't,
Will I change for you? Hell no I won't...
So don't expect the unexpected,
I'll be less than where you left it last.
Comment on this, I'm not asking I'm telling, because I'm a jerk like that. But I hope you comment anyhow. Even though I'm a jerk.
current mood: awake
|Monday, May 26th, 2003|
3:50 am - Can't step in my way...
Been sick lately, it kinda sucks, but it's not nearly as bad as last time. Plus, I'm going to Disneyland on Tuesday. WooHoo! |
So life's been weird, this grrl I hooked up with a few times while I was all messed up wanted to go out with me. I really didn't want to go out with her because we have nothing to base the realtionship on, I mean, she liked me because I played guitar and have been in a band. Wow, I just fit the profile of 50 percent of kids my age. She doesn't even know me at all. She just thinks that I'm "funny and cool", I don't understand how someone who's hung out with me only a few times could say they want something with me. Hell, I could barely understand why someone who hangs out with me all the time would want something with me. So I had to tell her that I didn't feel the same, and so on... I felt bad. She said it was okay and went off to cry. Great. Now I feel like a jerk for feeling the way I do.
Also, there's this grrl who I kinda like, but is in that same social circle with the other chick who likes me. So now because of her I can't even flirt with the grrl I like! Argh! It makes me so mad that the way she feels ruins how I want to be.
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2003|
7:07 pm - Shattered Glass and Stars
Street lights glow dim tonight, |
As I think of where you are I start to regret,
Things we never had any control of,
But somehow are the things I can't ever forget,
How could it hurt so bad, when it wasn't my fault,
How could I still care when I tried to make this dissapear,
This feeling is so hard to ignore when I'm sleeping on someone else's floor,
When I'm living for the moment and you're living for their law...
So is it okay to steal you away,
To a hilltop where we can watch the stars and sh*t,
And talk about how we feel about it all, and we can believe in eachother,
It's too hard for me to believe in myself when I'm alone...
As I step on shattered glass,
I remember my past,
At last it seems like a blast,
Without them holding me back,
Can you share this feeling of love for nothing and everything with me?
12:58 am - Globes and Maps... : )
So, a lot has happened in the last few days. I stayed away from my house and it was so suprising how much I learned on my own. I think my household has been kind of holding me back from life. Just the hostility in my house is enough to make me sick. So, I'm moving on and moving out. |
In even greater news, I met a grrl...
Wow, she's just the cutest grrl I've ever seen in my life. Her name's Shannen... we met at my friend Kris with a K's house. We were talking about music and totally hit it off, we have the same favortie tracks from CDs. It's so amazing to connect with someone about something so cool like that. She asked me if I ever heard a certain song by Something Corporate. It was called Globes and Maps... and she put it on... and sang it to me, and she smiled so ly and beautifully, that I couldn't help blush like a little kid. It was totally amazing to hear her sing to me... *sighs* Hehe, alright, enough of that emo crap. She's definitely cool, and I'm gonna see her again really soon.
Yeah, so that's about it... sorry if I've been one to let you down. You always knew I was never enough.
|Friday, May 16th, 2003|
2:00 am - Boredoms Result
[time] 2:05 AM
[do you like it?] I guess... hasn't done me any wrong
[nicknames] Jase or Jay (my sister is the only one who called me that...)
[crush] F*ck... I'd much rather not think about it
[birthplace] St. Louis
[color(s)] grey, red, brown, black
[month] Hmm... never gave it much thought, some month of summer... I suppose.
[cd] Sum 41::All Killer No Filler
[movie(s)] Campy horror films, Mr. Toads Wild Ride...
[sport] Uh,... no thanks.
[tv show] The Cosby Show, Newhart, Munsters, Gilligan's Island, Batman...
[this or that]
[coke or water] Coke, mmm... can't get enough of that sweet sweet coke... *slurps from the soda fountain*
[day or night] Night
[aol or aim] AIM
[jeans or khakis] Jeans... khakis are for private schools...
[car or truck] Car
[lunch or dinner] Dinner
[sliver or gold] Silver
[alchohol or weed] Neither, they're so bad for you.
[love and relationships]
[do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend] Nope.
[who was your first love] Jess
[what do you miss about him/her] Heh, everything.
[what is one thing you would change about your past] Some lies I've lived
[last thing you heard] "My Kindergarten teacher was Mr. Feeny"
[last thing you saw] Corey Mathews
[last thing you said] God this show es me off sometimes...
[last thing you read] An old note I found
[what is the last cd you heard] Sum 41::Does This Look Infected?
[who was the last person(s) you laughed with] My friend Robby
[who was the last person you were on the phone with] Jen
[what are you wearing] Brown Dickies, a Flogging Molly shirt, my watch and some shoes...
[who are you talking to] No one
[what are you listening to] Sum 41:: Hell Song
[where are you] At my house
[are you online] Yep
[how are you feeling] Bored
[what day is tomorrow] Saturday
[what are you doing after this] Maybe going to sleep
[who are you going to talk to] Uh, no one, it's too late
[where are you going to go] My room
[what is one of your dreams] To make my life worthwhile
[where will you be in twenty-five years] Um, hopefully married... with a hell of a past.
[have you ever]
[done anything illegal] Yeah
[hit someone] Yeah
[do you write in cursive or print] Print
[are you a righty or a lefty] Right
[do you have glasses or braces] Nope
[what do you most like about your body] Um... couldn't say
[and least] Um, couldn't say either
[what do you notice first about a 'crush'] Their personality, if I really have a crush on them, that's what does it.
[have you ever]
[pictured your crush ] Yeah
[actually seen your crush ] Yeah
[been in love] Yeah
[cried when someone died] Yeah
[drove drunk] Nope
[fallen for your best friend] Nope
[rejected someone] Yeah
[used someone] Nope
[been cheated on] Nope
[done something you regret] Yeah, but I try to not think of it.
[color your hair] Yeah
[ever get off the computer] Yeah
[habla espanol] Who you callin' a ?
[dance] If you could call it that
[sing] Not well, but I give it a shot
[whats your favorite fruit] Dan... I mean, pineapple...
[what hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain] Emotional
[i want] Her
[i need] Her
[i wish] Things would just get better
[i love] Her
[i fear] That she knows
[i wonder] If she thought of kissing me the other day...
|Monday, May 12th, 2003|
6:54 pm - Send a smile to Mom and Dad, let them know I'm never gonna come back...
So I guess on Thursday I'm moving out, and right now I have no where to go. Yeah, I'm scared, and right now I just feel sickened by all the sh*t I've put up with to get to this point. So I guess I won't be talking to all you much anymore. Maybe an entry or two more... but for now here's my last song.|
I know that I ruined your life,
You've told me that too many times,
And I'm so worthless in your eyes,
Because I'm so different than you two,
I guess I'll never amount to anything,
So keep second guessing what I do,
And I'm stupid for not falling in line,
But the right line is so wrong in my mind...
So you say
I'll never be the son you wanted,
I'll always fall short of all your hopes,
So you say...
Pick my life apart, I never really cared,
I look back at all those times you made me scared,
I guess I always knew our opposing thoughts,
Were too different to make sense to each other,
And those times you had a few too many,
And hit her til' she cried in front of me,
It makes me sick to see a smile on your face,
I wish my memorries with you would burn in hell,
So you say,
I'll never be the son you wanted,
I'll never live the life you want me to lead,
So you say...
You took me in and turned your back,
And wished me gone until I cried,
You're so sickened but my dissapointing life,
You should have realized that I can't be you.
Deal with me and how I am.
current mood: lonely
3:53 am - Squirt Guns and Mall Runs...
Last night was so rad. It started with Dan giving me a random call saying that he'd be over shortly. So I was pretty stoked, and being bored and without a damn thing to do that night was not working out for me. So he comes over with his sister and her boyfriend and we head out to the mall. Yes, Grossmont, the same mall I was banned from last summer. Most of the stores were closed which ed me off, but target was open. So, immediately I drag Dan to the toy section where we find these rad squirt guns (Super Soakers, just like elementary school). We decide to get em since they're so cheap. Our plan was to fill them up in the fountains, but this total ass of a security gaurd stops us and of course decides to hassle us (which I don't blame him for, if I looked like an overstuffed f*ckin' sock monkey I'd have done it too...). He he gives us his talk and we leave, but plan to sneak around the back to an old fountain that no one usually goes by. So as we are heading over there, that same security gaurd sees us and threatens to call the cops... what an assh*le. I'd already been in enough trouble with the coppers around there, and if I got caught again I could have been thrown in jail (or so they say). But we say we are going to the car and sneak off to the fountain anyhow. Well right after we fill up on ammo... we decide to pull a full on raid on Dans sister who's in the mall... we'd run through, squirt her and her boyfriend and tell them to follow us as we fled the scene... decent plan right? Well halfway down the walkway to the theatres, the rent-a-cop turns the corner with his pal. So, I freak and pull a 180 advising Dan to do the same. We ran like Forrest until we got to a big dumpster which we hid behind. The security gaurd searched around but didn't see us back there... just then we saw Rosa and her boyrfriend walk by so I decided to get the hell outta there. Little did we know how many units those pigs had on us (haha). Just as we book it from our dumpster hide away, I start to notice two guys on foot after us... and then a security car... then another guy, and another car and one more guy (for those keeping score that's two cars and four men on foot). So the car actually screeches and slides (Last Action Hero style) in front of us and a guy tell us this "I heavily suggest you guys leave". That's it?! After all that he gives me a suggestion? I should have squirted that f*cker in the face, so we left in peace and laughed our asses off. Good times.
|Friday, May 9th, 2003|
I wrote this poem last night about something that made me cry, not out of being sad or scared, just out of the intensity of it. It was so weird, I just felt like breaking down in tears was the right thing I had to do... I had nothing I could say.|
I feel this certain pain for you,
An aching like I've never felt before.
Your eyes unknowingly pierce through
My heart as it falls gently to the floor,
An understanding in your eyes is kind,
As your heartfelt smile reaches out,
To catch my blank stare with teary eyes
That could never see what your life is;
Is it wrong for me to love that which you could never know?
I wish for a moment that I knew how it was,
So maybe I could reach you, inside those eyes of yours that smile at me...
|Monday, May 5th, 2003|
You are Gambit!
You are a fierce fighter and a good friend to have.
Your preference for solitude and your
attractiveness make you very intriguing to
those you meet. Unfortunately, close
relationships are few and far between for you
because you often have trouble opening up to
Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
|Sunday, May 4th, 2003|
12:09 am - *FINAL NOTICE*
I wish I couldn't picture what you all would look like crying at my funeral,... if that image didn't come to my head, I'd be slitting my wrists instead of writing this. But have no fear... love, friendship, lust, happiness, and any other motivation in my life is slipping away slowly, and everytime I cry a tear, the tear puts another brick on thewall around my heart. Slowly but surely my compasion will die out, and I'll take my life.I'm sick of fighting with people who shove me when they don't realize how close to the edge I am. Im sorry for being selfish but maybe I sick of hearing how great life is when I hate mine. I hate this all, and I hate how everyone likes to pull those strings on my heart. I'm sorry but I can't go on. I know I've let all you down. I knew I'd never pass this test called life.
|Saturday, May 3rd, 2003|
2:07 am - Lie to me... it'll ease your broken heart.
I can't read those lies that you insist on writing anymore,|
Seems you cut me down to size just twice too many times before,
So put me in the past, I'm just f*cked up memory of yours,
A picture frame with shattered glass, with my picture torn up on the floor...
But now, you've lied to your own self,
Just to move on through this hell,
Just to get through one more night,
Just don't tell me all those lies your living...
I remember when we'd laugh and talk on the phone all night long,
A perfect romance built from scratch, nothing felt so wrong,
Was I wrong when I spoke of undying love on that cold November night?
Do you remember when warmth inside yourheart told you what was right?
But now, you make it okay in your mind,
To be so absolutely blind,
To make the best of nothing much,
To forget all of our trust we once had...
So lie to them, I'll always know the truth,
Just know how much it hurts being inside my shoes,
Just to care so much and get none of it back...
If I died tonight would it even matter?
|Thursday, May 1st, 2003|
4:32 pm - Damn, I'm cool.
|Saturday, April 26th, 2003|
2:51 am - Ah!
I have so much to say. And none of it should be said...
|Thursday, April 24th, 2003|
3:22 am - Ladies and gentlemen...
Here's a song... |
It's all been lost but found,
In different states of mind,
The tables turned around,
I guess that I've been blind...
I find that within trust in you,
I'm lost and again, and I'm the fool,
I'm sick of being part of this dumb game,
So I'll throw it all away,
It's gone, your never coming back,
(and I don't care)
I was wrong, it's not in what I lack,
(cause it was there)
Moving on, never felt so good before,
I'm glad to see you stumble out the door...
These games you tried to play,
Were messing with my head,
Take back those things you say,
And all those things you said,
So now I have nowhere to turn,
I'm not any of your concern,
It's hard for me to think of what I was,
And not realize my mistakes,
I'm so sick,
Of putting up with sh*t,
It seems like what you are is fake as hell,
It's something for yourself to sell,
To people like your friends,
I'm done with it this is the end,
I'll never have to deal with thios again...
|Friday, April 18th, 2003|
3:17 am - Welcome to my own down and out...
*So sick of thoughts so empty*|
It's over, I've given up...
I drop to my knees...
Tears running down my face... and yet I still hide my cries from your unforgiving soul...
*It's well overflowed I'm bound to explode*
They're all gone as well...
No one's gonna be here to catch me.
That's fine by me...
|Wednesday, April 16th, 2003|
1:24 am - ***I hope this reaches you in time***
Pain and regret are all that's left,|
From all those things I never said,
It's tearing at my heart now that your gone,
And I can't stand this pain...
If I could drop down to a knee,
And profess to you undying needs,
I'd speak of love and what I feel,
Please don't let this go!
It's been too long,
Since you've kissed the lips of someone that you loved,
Please just let me be the one tonight...
I've fallen hard please help me up,
I know it's my fault things got f*cked,
But let me patch your heart and ease you mind,
I swear I wont hurt you...
This time it could last forever,
I know this love is my endeavor,
Please don't turn away from me this time,
You know your heart is right...
If only for the love of this one
(If only for that same look on her face)
I would give her the whole damn world
(and we'd be left to float in space...) ;)
It's been too long,
Since you've kissed the lips of someone that you loved,
Please just let me be the one tonight
(I shouldn't feel this)
Let your heart decide...
(I can't let myself go)
Fall back into what we once had...
(Please be here to catch me)
I'll hold your hand, we'll fall together...
(Is this right?)
Your heart tells you it's right...
|Sunday, April 13th, 2003|
12:44 am - Noice.
|Thursday, April 10th, 2003|
1:59 am - "Paint it black and just forget me..."
WooHoo! I really want some ink done. I've figured out what I want and where I want them, so now I just gotta go get them, and, of course, get the money for them. All my life I've admired tatts, and now I'm finally gonna get one, I'm so excited! Hooray! And they all mean something really special in my life... so I'm not just getting a flower on my hip because I think it's cute (although... that would be hot...)|
I actually drew it all out... it's of a pile of skulls that have broken chains wraped around them and it's all on fire, and behind the chaos, there's a pair of devlish wings rising up... it's so sick. It's not like I'm just getting it because it looks cool, I drew it out myself, which was one of the most important things for me, and it means a lot, like it's all symbolic. So don't think I'm some foolish kid looking to be tough. Haha. I'm also gonna get some other stuff later including a four leaf clover and maybe some other things such as stars, a hand of cards *An ace, an 8,2, and a 4 and another ace*("whatever hand life deals you")... I also think I might get some lightning bolts on my forearms if somehow ife let's me do that (if I get some job where it's okay to have that). I really want a lot done, but it's pretty expensive. So that's that. Today I'm off to go find a place that will do it, and to see how much it will cost.
I'd really like to post my art of what the tatt would look like... but I have no clue how to do it, so maybe someone could help?
Okay well, talk to you all later.
current mood: awake
|Monday, April 7th, 2003|
1:07 am - Night.
I'm scared by these hours of the night,|
They remind me of my lonliness,
I feel like I could cry my eyes out,
And take it all back by morning,
In mourning, I cry as if it died,
Did it die? Was it a lie?
Is that why I sit here empty inside?
Full of stories for your amusement,
Tell your friends about my follies,
I'll do what you're too scared to,
For a laugh, for the experience,
For a good story for you to tell your friends,
I'll do it for the rush, for the fun,
To fill my youth as best I can,
Maybe that's why I despise these hours of the night,
I know I can't be out,
Filling my youth full of stories and fun...